What does progress feel like? Nothing.

Recently I've started sharing more openly about my struggles with mental health.

For years I’ve been isolated, withholding my expression and creativity because of the conditioning of childhood experience.

I’ve made some tremendous inroads on that journey healing through my over 10 years of individual therapy. Yes, 10 years. It’s been a long and winding road, with many pits and valleys and chaotic progress.

For me the goal has always been to share and express freely, whether it was in an intimate relationship or in a creative pursuit. I’ve struggled in all areas of my life, but one of the hardest hits was my love for creating music.

The past few months I’ve opened the musical door for the first time in my life because I’m finally not sabotaging myself.

What has that looked like?

• Playing my first (virtual) live show
• Organizing and starting a song club community
• Sharing on social media consistently for the first time
• Finishing and releasing music regularly
• Sharing openly about my mental health my struggles

Although these may be simple things for others to do, for decades I was unable to do any of these things because each triggered deep seeded trauma and required me to be open and vulnerable. Instead, I would always shut down.

Now reflecting back on the last few months, I can say that it's an amazing feeling to not sabotage myself.

At the same time doing these things in and of themself don’t make me feel “whole” or “complete.”

In fact, I feel pretty neutral. It was such a monumental challenge to overcome my cycle of sabotage I thought unicorns would jump out of the sky or the heavens would sing when I finally got into motion.

But truth be told it all just kinda feels… normal. You could go as far as saying it feels pretty bland and boring.

I wasn’t expecting this but I think it makes sense. Being open and vulnerable was so emotionally charged for me that it distorted my view on what openness and healing was supposed to feel like.

I had unrealistic expectations of healing being a lightswitch. But it totally is not. It’s a very long process, with outcomes playing out over time. If anything it’s like a slow moving sunrise that takes years to crescendo.

My perfectionism was a voice that said any feelings would be too much to bear and always convinced me to quit. Truth is, this is nothing like I expected.

Really, the key thing for me is that I’ve stopped sabotaging myself. That’s what's important here. My feelings, good bad or otherwise, don't really matter in that regard.

I don’t need nor am I trying to accomplish anything nor am I doing this to “feel good”.

The journey is in full-force, I’m doing things for the first time in life I’ve wanted to for the last 20 years and I’m so happy I feel… barely anything at all … about it.