What is a musician?

So I was chatting with my therapist recently and she asked me a poignant question... are you a musician?

I hesitated and said, "I'm not sure."

You see, this question on the surface seems simple but when you unpack it there's a lot more to examine here.

For some context, I started working with this therapist at the beginning of 2020 right when the COVID-19 pandemic took over the world.

I have seen therapists on and off for many years but now at the age of 36, I was suffering somewhat of a crisis and was stuck in a dark, isolated pit.

The reason I couldn't say yes to her question was because after years of self-sabotage, severe perfectionism and numerous mental health issues, I had nothing to show for all my years of being in music.

"How can you call yourself a musician when you have zero fans?"

That was the evil voice in my head sneering at me while I was pondering her question.

Feeling my hesitation, she nodded and responded, "Okay, well exactly how do you define a musician?"

I didn't realize it before but that was a hard question, with lots of potential criteria running through my head.

• Do you have to be able to play an instrument at a high level?
• Do you have to make money from it?
• Do you need to know music theory?
• Do you need to have a lot fans actively listening to your music?

Stepping away from my initial hesitation and thinking a bit more comprehensively, the baseline criteria for me was playing a musical instrument at a high level or otherwise showing a high level of musicianship ability (ie composition).

The more I thought about it though, I realized it's a blurry line.

Nowadays, DAWs are basically like instruments (see Ableton Live) and the craftsmanship that goes into learning the in and outs them are not too dissimilar to learning an instrument over a course of years (perhaps with the lack of motor skills development).

There are cases like the well-known producer, Timbaland, who produces at high level and has millions of people listening to his music but Timbaland doesn't know any theory at all or play traditional instruments. I definitely consider him a musician though.

On the flipside, there are the mainstream pop stars who have a whole team of songwriters, engineers, producers crafting every single musical idea, editing and autotuning their vocals to death.

Many of these pop artists don't need to have much musical skill or play instruments well (for the purposes of this discussion I'm including voice as an instrument here as well).

They do however, market, engage and entertain really well. They have the fans, music and the Spotify plays. Some question their actual musical ability, but others still would consider them musicians.

Two vectors of criteria seemed to be emerging: professional career success vs musical skills.

This was further reinforced when I looked up the formal definition of musician ....

musician
[ myoo-zish-uhn ]

1) a person who makes music a profession, especially as a performer of music.
2) any person, whether professional or not, skilled in music.
 
Source: dictionary.com

You see, the professional aspect of musicianship and the skill aspect of musicianship are both ways you could potentially define what it means to be a musician. (With the additional nuance of what profession and skill actually entail).

Is one more important than the other? I don't know.

Interestingly enough, the evil voice in my head that made me hesitate wanted me to believe career success was all that mattered.

As I explored those demons in the therapy session I realized the skill and craftsmanship aspect of music was actually more meaningful to me.

Getting back to the therapist's probe, the big issue here isn't "what's the definition of musician" (that of course would be different for everyone) but rather understanding why don't I look in the mirror and call myself a musician.

I've been playing guitar for 20 years and have written and produced numerous songs, know DAWs in and out. I have performed live multiple times. I even got an Advanced Professional Certificate in Music Studies @ Berklee Online which took me two years of formal study.

If I follow the voice that says all that matters is professional success that's essentially giving up on passion for a craft having meaning to me.

My subconscious mind knew it could keep me at bay pointing out the fact I have no professional success at all.

In that self-limiting loop, my identity is built on those external successes and I constantly feel like a nobody and a loser in the musical arena. By constantly feeling like I don't belong, I lack confidence and further isolate myself.

You see the key point here is that the definition doesn't matter as much the lack of belief and how that lack of belief is perpetuated by a dark voice trying to incessantly keep me down.

I do have the skills and I've put in the dedication to my craft, and that's what's most important to me when I think about it deeply. I had a self-limiting view on what it means to be a musician and will no longer deny myself because of lack of "professional" success.

The truth is I am a musician. At the end of the day I get to choose the right definition for me and I get to chose to authentically live that life.

Evil voice... no, professional success isn't all that matters.. not for me anyways, so you can shut up now.